My Baby is Due on the Anniversary of My Mother's Death

I’ve felt quite disconnected from my second (current) pregnancy. This feeling has surprised me because I loved being pregnant with my first child. But when I break down the whys, a lot of it makes sense. 

To start, my entire pregnancy has been during the pandemic, meaning I’ve missed out on the usual ‘pregnancy in public’ experience. My husband and I have been extra cautious due to the pregnancy and for our toddler. It’s been isolating, and not to mention extremely stressful learning how to work from home without childcare for a good portion of the past year. My husband has also (unwillingly) missed all of our appointments and scans, making the experience much more lonely this time around. 

Next, right before I found out I was pregnant, I reherniated a disc I had surgery on four years prior. There were days I could barely move, and I couldn’t even sit in a chair until well into my second trimester. The exhaustion from constant pain, lack of sleep, and guilt from not being able to pick up my daughter while my husband had to do everything for months was overwhelming.     

And the reason that I think has most impacted my disconnection is that my baby’s due date is on the ninth anniversary of my mother’s sudden death. I’ve had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this ‘coincidence.’ I found that whenever someone asked me when the baby is due, I’d respond with ‘mid-May.’ I could rarely bring myself to actually say: May 19th.   

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